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Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

Subject:Some Quick Things
Time:12:21 am.
Mood: confused.
I turned 18 and went to Ibar and it was ok.
My last 2 days of high school were very emotional for me but spending the last day at Qdoba with the greatest people on earth is beyond amazing.
I have a sidekick now and I love it!
I didn't go to prom but I did get "Out of Step" dedicated to me at a show instead and that is a million times better!
Graduation was one of those things that will always be remembered and the tears that were shedded that day were full of joy and sadness.
I got four myspace accounts and a number from girls ranging from the ages of fourteen to sixteen, but don't worry I know what jailbait is.
My godmother is insane but I love her.
My mother is absofuckinglutely crazy but she's still awesome.
Pool is my game and I love it!
Seeing James Strong again was awesome even though that kid is fucking insane!
Strip clubs are absolutely heavenly though money was spent it was worth every single cent.
Something about Tampa this time around made me never want to leave.
The Angels and Airwaves record is really good and everyone should pick that shit up immediately.
I believe my life is in need of some sort of change though I don't know what sort of change, I believe I need to do something to get myself out of this rut.
holla at a playa

Friday, April 7th, 2006

Time:1:00 am.
Mood: nervous.
A girl who I started talking too a while back but nothing occured and I heard she was "seeing" someone new has now just asked to go to prom with me? She's older, she doesn't go to my school, and I am completely confused beyond what confusion will allow!
1can // holla at a playa

Sunday, March 19th, 2006

Subject:There Words Are Not My Own But They'll Do
Time:10:47 pm.
Mood: complacent.
You feel as if you have missed out on a great deal that life had to offer and you go about trying to make up for past failures. Naturally at times you get depressed and you try to compensate for your "missed oppurtunities" by living your life to the full. This is what, perhaps, may be described as "living with exaggerated intensity". In this way you feel you can break the chains of the past and start again - and it could be that you are right. You are feeling very disillusioned at this time and you feel that you are being left out of things. You know - or you think you know - what you want, but you seem unable to exert the effort to achieve your objectives. As a consequence, you are feeling left out and neglected. You would like to be afforded greater security and fewer problems. You are a very choosy person - demanding and exacting in your emotional demands and very particular in your choice of partner. You are self sufficient and as a result of this overbearing nature you find it difficult to establish any depth of deep physical or mental involvement with members of the opposite sex.

You are experiencing considerable stress which is essentially the result of on going rejection and hostility. You are in the unpleasant position where offers of trust, affection, and understanding are being withheld and you are being treated with a degrading lack of consideration. You feel that you are being denied the appreciation that you deserve, which is essential to your well-being and self-esteem, but you have to face up to the situation because as matters stand at this time there is little that you can do about it - you feel that you are getting nowhere and the continuous struggle is a lonely one: all difficulties and no encouragement. Whatever you try to say or do is met with continuous hostility and no matter how much you protest you are consistently misunderstood. You need to escape from the situation but you are so perplexed that you cannot find the strength of mind to make the necessary decision.

You really would like to be completely uninhibited - to let go - but you are held back by your sense of logic and rationality, since you realize that by simple stupidity you could lose everything - whatever that may be.
2can // holla at a playa

Wednesday, February 15th, 2006

Subject:Let It Begin...
Time:11:20 pm.
Mood: contemplative.
I am a fuck up but I am only human. I make mistakes but don't we all but it seems that I will never understand anything anymore. I want to be happy but I cannot obtain this happiness which in my mind does not even exist. I want things to be like they once were but why wish for the past that isn't around anymore? I look to the future and it looks grim for me because I'm in this state of mind where I don't give a fuck anymore.

I want to be the friend that no one forgets but I want those people to respect me and not act like I'm there bitch. I know I have flaws and I have pet peeves but do not throw these things in my face and make me feel that I have to do or be something that I obviously don't want a part of.

No one actually knows how I feel or what I'm thinking because I can't let it out and I don't want to seem weak even though I am. I feel like giving up and just walking away from it all. I have these urges to just get in my car and drive until I have no money for gas and my car is empty which then I will walk until my legs can't move anymore where then I will crawl until all of my strength is gone. I don't even know why but I do...maybe it's a cry for help but maybe it's just me wanting to be alone but I don't want to be alone cause I can't take it.

I want so much but never do I try and obtain what I want because I am scared of what could happen. I fear rejection and I fear the truth...in fact I fear every single one of you and I even fear myself.

My life seems to fall apart all around me but I don't even try to pick up the pieces but actually keep trying to start something new that just falls apart in the end as well.

Wouldn't it be great to just get away from it all but knowing that something else out there will just bring back all of these feelings again. Nobody is perfect and perfection lives in moments which will always end because nothing can stay perfect. Someone or something will always crush everything you hold so dear but being strong makes things better but how can you be strong when you still know deep inside shit will happen?

I don't know who I am anymore and I don't even know the people I surround myself with anymore. Everyone is changing and I am as well but we drift apart but then come back together but only to drift away again. I'm starting to see people for who they really are because I'm observing everything. I watch people repeat their mistakes and I don't say anything because everyone has to learn on there own. No one helped me see things until after I realized what was going on then they would inform me that they knew or felt this way all along.

Maybe it's time to make a drastic change but I feel that I'll let myself down and I even feel that I'll let all of you down. I care what others see me as but I don't put a front on to make people like me. I am me but certain things about me have become a part of me to others but I feel that those things might not be for me anymore but if I change it will affect the way every single one of you look at me.

I debate all of these thoughts everyday and somehow, someway I'm going to do something that will change everything but I have no idea what I will do. I'm sorry for anyone who actually read all of this, I wasted your time probably.
2can // holla at a playa

Tuesday, January 10th, 2006

Time:11:40 pm.
Mood: loving.
I love being with my friends, I love dancing in my store, I love dancing in parking lots, I love doing stupid shit and not giving a fuck what others think, I love waking up every morning with a smile on my face (this smile comes from my own happiness), I love taking long showers while relaxing in my own little world, I love music whether it be playing or making, I love singing though I can't sing, I love my family, I love the fact that I'm still a drug-free youth, I love talking to myself at least I know I listen, I love having meaningful conversations with people who can put some input in as well, I love being a strong individual and believing what I think is right, I love temptation because it makes me stronger, I love being up late and waking up early though I bitch about it, I love anyone who motivates me to be a better person, I love procrastinating for some odd reason, I love working out even the burning sensation I get the next day, I love being me, but most of all I just love to love.
2can // holla at a playa

Monday, December 19th, 2005

Subject:Read The Truth
Time:3:39 pm.
Searching for a pillar of strength in a confusing world. Your eyes tell me all I need to know, you're reaching out for warmth in the cold. You try to lose yourself in someone else, but even in a crowded room you'll always feel so alone. But there's beauty in these moments that we spent by ourselves even if it's hard to see sometimes, like a pretty face obscured behind a veil of tears. "I need" is such an ugly phrase when it falls from your lips in a stranger's voice like a whisper of defeat. I know it's hard to feel whole when you're broken inside so learn to wrap your arms around yourself, cradle your head, and dry your salt stained eyes. Because there's beauty in these moments that we spend by ourselves even if it's hard to see sometimes like a pretty face obscured behind a veil of tears. This is what I've learned: Don't search for solace in another's embrace. Everyone that we hold so dear gets lost in the static of the passing years. So, learn to be alone. Find comfort in solitude. Harden your heart and build unbreakable will. It's the only way you'll ever survive this world.
holla at a playa

Tuesday, December 6th, 2005

Subject:I Love Being Amazed By Beautiful Lyrics
Time:9:55 pm.
You may tire of me as our December sun is setting 'cause I'm not who I used to be
No longer easy on the eyes but these wrinkles masterfully disguise the youthful boy below
Who turned your way and saw something he was not looking for: both a beginning and an end
But now he lives inside someone he does not recognize when he catches his reflection on accident

On the back of a motorbike with your arms outstreched trying to take flight, leaving everything behind
But even at our swiftest speed we couldn't break from the concrete in the city where we still reside
And I have learned that even landlocked lovers yearn for the sea, like navy men,
'Cause now we say goodnight from our own seperate sides like brothers on a hotel bed
holla at a playa

Monday, October 24th, 2005

Subject:I'm Here And Always Will Be
Time:7:03 pm.
Mood: peaceful.
So the past 8 days of my life have been pretty hard on me but I'm getting better. The first couple of days were the worst but I'm starting to eat again and actually looking at other women even though I still can't bring myself to talk to any of them. I mean for the past year and a half of my life I've had a person there for me and being single again is like starting all over. The hardest part of it all is just having classes with Vanessa for now it's fucking hard as hell and we talk in class but outside of class there is no communication. I miss her but she wanted out and I'm not going to bad talk to her nor harass her and make her feel like shit for breaking my heart. People grow up; people move on and here I am...it's my turn. A broken heart is something I've never truly felt before sure I've dated girls and relationships have ended pretty hard but never has it been this hard on me. I thank god for my friends making me feel better everyday and basically letting me know that I still have life in me and not to give up just because it ended. I thank god for god himself because I came to realization that this all happened for some odd reason and that life will hit me in the face hard but then pick me right back up later on. I thank Kids Like Us for the show last night the entire set I was smiling and just felt like I was on top of the world. I'll recover from this and come out stronger than what I was before someday I'll be loved again but for now I'm just going to chill and see what happens with my life.
2can // holla at a playa

Sunday, October 16th, 2005

Subject:Death Cab For Cutie - "I Will Follow You Into The Dark"
Time:6:40 pm.
Love of mine, someday you will die
But I'll be close behind and I'll follow you into the dark
No blinding light or tunnels to gates of white
Just our hands clasped so tight, waiting for the hint of a spark

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied
And illuminate the NOs on their vacancy signs
If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks
Then I'll follow you into the dark

In Catholic school as vicious as Roman rule
I got my knuckles brusied by a lady in black
And I held my toungue as she told me "Son
Fear is the heart of love," so I never went back

You and me we've seen everything to see
From Bangkok to Calgary and the soles of your shoes
Are all worn down: the time for sleep is now
But it's nothing to cry about
'Cause we'll hold each other soon in the blackest of rooms
2can // holla at a playa

Subject:Been A Long Time...
Time:6:13 pm.
Mood: destroyed.
Well that last entry of mine about love I still believe it but what about the significant other? We're on break and I'll never understand why if you want to know some things it's better to ask her than me cause I'm just a mess in a highly confused state. This is the girl I want to grow old with the girl I want to have kids with the girl that has told me all of these same things as well and how does it end...a break? What is a break cause I've never seen couples truly recover from them and it seems at this point that I'm never going to recover. We talked last night of a wedding and she talked about it as well and then today it's we need a break. I took her out to dinner last night and she said it felt like we were just friends, she told me wanted more attention than what I've been giving which is barely lately but right when I try and make things right it ends. The pain and emptiness that I feel right now is far beyond pain that I know and felt before this is the worst pain I've ever been in. I really don't think what I'm typing is even making sense anymore, I can't even read it without my heart dropping more and more. I love Vanessa and I always will but if a break is what she wants then so be it I can't really argue against it either. Now I sit at a crossroad do I wait for her or do I move on and my heart says wait but what if I wait forever and she never returns, I fight to prove myself to her but I just get shut down everytime then what. I don't want to move on I want to stay with her but if I pour my soul and heart out to Vanessa to show her that I love her and that I want to be with her and she just doesn't care then I'm empty forever for I have given all that I can give. I'm not talking suicide or death here people I'm talking about pain and guilt wallowing inside of me for it seems that I've done nothing wrong for I remained faithful to her like I always have my entire life, I don't talk down to her, she's like my best friend more than any girl has ever been, I don't hit her, I genuinely love her with all my heart and I always will. I have no idea what to say anymore I'm speechless that this is all so real...fuck fuck fuck. I'm sorry Vanessa I love you with all my heart and I always will forever more till the day I die.
holla at a playa

Friday, September 30th, 2005

Subject:Bring It Bitches
Time:6:18 pm.
Mood: refreshed.
If you read this, even if we do not speak often, comment with one memory of me.
It can be anything you want, good or bad.
Just as long as it happened.
Then post this on your livejournal to see what other people remember about you.
2can // holla at a playa

Tuesday, September 27th, 2005

Subject:Love A Definition To Be Shared
Time:10:48 pm.
Mood: loved.
1) A deep, tender, ineffable feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.
2) A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance.
3) a.Sexual passion.
b. Sexual intercourse.
c. A love affair.
4) An intense emotional attachment, as for a pet or treasured object.
5) A person who is the object of deep or intense affection or attraction; beloved. Often used as a term of endearment.
6) An expression of one's affection
7) a. A strong predilection or enthusiasm
b. The object of such an enthusiasm

This is what the dictionary tells us of "love" and it required seven definitions to sum up a four letter word that holds so much meaning to me and I would hopefully assume many others. Love is shared with the greatest of friends, your family, the pets, the music, the relationships shared, and your significant other. There are so many more to state but that would take an enternity to tell. As we grow up usually in high school relationships start to form between boys and girls and everyone has a grand time till it ends and then they joyously say "Never really loved her anymore" then why would you use that word. You said it and you meant it when you said it but as soon as the relationship falls away that love was a lie and you didn't really know what love meant. Well here's a lesson for all every relationship that uses the word love is a big lesson to finally figure out what love really means to you. Have I figured out what love is and the answer is no because I'm not married but I am happily in love with the girl of my dreams who I do love. This relationship could end tomorrow and I will still love Vanessa for she means the world to me and she's taught me so many things about the world, women, and even myself. Every girl I've been with that I said "I love you" too still holds a place in my heart even if they talk shit about me or even say they never really loved me anyways it all doesn't matter cause I did love them and they will always remember no matter how the relationship was. But this moment, this time I am with Vanessa and it's coming up to TEN MONTHS, that's a lot for me people and the question asked am I happy and the answer is yes I am happy. Vanessa makes me smile every morning and every time I see her no matter how tired, angry, "depressed"(such a horrible word), or even happy I am I will smile when I see her and I will hold her as I say good morning and kiss her. Now am I in love, am I truly in love with Vanessa from what my heart, my brain, and even my penis(lust plays a part of love people) tell me, yes I am in love with Vanessa. Vanessa is my better half, she makes me a better person and no matter what I always know I have her physically and mentally to be there for me and to love me unconditionally. This sounds like we are already married and no were obviosuly not married but to be honest with you if tomorrow I could I would marry her. I'm sure there are the nay-sayers out there who laugh at this entry and tell me "I'm young I know nothing" or the ones who say "They'll be done so soon it doesn't matter" or even my favorite "All he wants to do is fuck you in the ass and then he'll bounce." And as I stated even if tomorrow Vanessa and I go our seperate ways I don't regret a word I've spoken here for I love her and she means the world to me. This entry I hope brought a little insight to you, possibly made you understand me a little bit more, to explain that we can't forget our past loves but embrace them, and to let my wonderful girlfriend know how much I truly love her. I LOVE YOU VANESSA!
3can // holla at a playa

Thursday, September 8th, 2005

Time:2:11 pm.
Mood: bored.
<1. Go here.
2. Pass it on.
my answersCollapse )
1can // holla at a playa

Sunday, August 21st, 2005

Time:10:57 pm.
Mood: exhausted.
How many away messages do all of you have...did you think about it or possibly actually look and count...well I have 1017 away messages and so many more to do. Peace.
3can // holla at a playa

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

Time:6:09 pm.
Mood: tired.
1. Reply with your name and I'll respond with something random about you.

2. I'll tell you what song/movie reminds me of you.

3. I'll pick a flavor of jello to wrestle with you in.

4. I'll say something that only makes sense to you and me.

5. I'll tell you my first memory of you.

6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of.

7. I'll ask you something that I've always wondered about you.

8. If I do this for you, you must post this on your journal. You MUST. It is written.
17can // holla at a playa

Sunday, August 7th, 2005

Subject:Late Night...Wait That's The Wrong Key
Time:9:25 pm.
Mood: hyper.
The last weekend before Senior year, I thought it was going to be very boring but God gave me many surprises. Let's start from the top mutha fuckas.

Last night I went to the RX Bandits', show with Wesley and Tonya, which I was originally suppose to go just for Head Automatica but they cancelled well the show started very boring. Some band called, Knup played and they had member's of Spitvalves but didn't float my boat. Then the next band comes on stage and they're called I Am The Avalanche well I'm watching and I freak out because...Vinny from MovieLife was in this band doing vocals. I love MovieLife and just watching Vinny on stage was fucking amazing. Then RX Bandits came on and they were quite entertaining. We left before Finch came on I just didn't care to watch. So we waiting outside to meet some RX Bandits but they never came out but I met Vinny and it was amazing to talk to him somebody I use to idolize when I first got into this music and shit. Definately was a blast!

Today was Warped Tour wasn't planning on going but free tickets are awesome. I went with Wesley and met up with Vanessa when we got there. So the whole concept of this tour is pointless and not worth the money but it was free so who the fuck cares. Highlights of the day...I got the mic in Zao in 5 Year Winter and that was quite fun, Burn it down and walk away. Bleeding Through played some new shit which sat well with me. Hopesfall played April Left With Silence so they gained my respect again. First time seeing Thrice today and they opened up with Betrayal Is A Symptom so I was happy. Oh yeah...I MET MIKE SKI FROM FUCKING THE AKA'S BUT ORIGINALLY THE FRONTMAN OF FUCKING BROTHER'S KEEPER, made my day right there. Down moments of the day...Glory Of This didn't get to play, Emery didn't show up, and I didn't win the signed guitar from Brother's Keeper.

Today was also MY 8 MONTH ANNIVERSARY WITH VANESSA KEIPER THE LOVE OF MY LIFE! Yes there was some hard time in the past week but we have moved on from the bullshit and moved on with our lives. I love this girl and I won't lose her to some pointless bullshit this faggot thought would work. Your plan was foiled bitch but when I beat your ass my plan succeeds. Yeah so there's some rumor going around that Vanessa and I broke up it's not true and supposedly where the shit started is really weird I don't understand but whatever rumor's are just bullshit. I am a happy when I'm with Vanessa no one makes me as happy as this girl does and nobody ever will.

School tomorrow...I CAN'T WAIT! My Senior year begins tomorrow and it will be a day to live forever in my mind. I'm going to roll up in my car, with my pass, blasting my music, shit a real live gangsta rolling up in that mutha fucka. Sure there will be work involved but I don't give a shit I've been waiting for this school year since the first day I walked in Pre-K and now it's here and everyday will be lived the way it should be lived, to the fullest bitches.

I love all of you people, the ones who are my most loyal friends, my people I just see and talk to every once in a while, the people I can't stand, the people I hate, and the bitches that try and bring me down. I love you all thank you for making me who I am and over and out bitches.
2can // holla at a playa

Sunday, July 31st, 2005

Time:5:42 pm.
Mood: enraged.
1can // holla at a playa

Thursday, July 21st, 2005

Subject:Goodbye For Now
Time:7:32 am.
Mood: scared.
I'm off to Ohio now from today till Tuesday so if you really love me you'll show me some love and wish me a nice plane ride there and back. I'm scared out of my mind to be doing this. Love you all. Peace.
2can // holla at a playa

Tuesday, June 21st, 2005

Subject:Sorry Max But It's Been A While & It's Time...
Time:1:05 am.
Mood: discontent.
Yea title says all, this is going to be an edge entry. The more and more I think about it my belief is being thrown around by certain people who don't seem to understand what the term Straightedge means at least to me and I take my shit from Ian from Minor Threat so I must be doing it right cause he's the father of Straightedge. I see kids at shows who one day aren't X'd up and the next day they are X'd up cause it makes them look more "hardcore" and that shit doesn't work with me.
These fucking kids on MySpace who are fucking X'd up in there picture and say I've been edge all my life sure maybe you are but those kids probably have never touched alcohol, drugs, or any fucked up substance in there life so they don't really know what it means to be Straigtedge. I'm fucking tired of this shit I've been edge for over a fucking year since I first went completely clean therefore I know what it means to take this oath and I'll be here for a long fucking time and probably forever.
While all these kids walk around with X's on there hands they have no idea what it means while they have X's on there hands and say shit cause I'm not X'd up who the fuck are you to know a fucking thing, my X is in my fucking heart. This is my fucking belief I don't fucking need to show everybody my beliefs not at all cause it's my fucking life sure you can live yours and you can X up all you fucking want but to me you look like you just want attention and if you're looking for it from me you ain't going to get shit bitch.
I'm not going to beat your ass if you talk shit about my belief, I'm not going to not hang out with you just because you like to get fucked up cause it's your life and I'm not going to fuck you up if your faking the edge cause it's your fucking life but seriously I'm fucking fed up with that shit.
You kids who put X's on your hands or in your MySpace and LiveJournal profiles, you're just pissing me off. The bands can do it cause they're fucking edge and they're older and they've been here longer and if they want to speak it that's the right thing to do so other kids can get the right fucking message. I want more kids to be edge but I want them to do it for the right fucking reason not for scene points.
I'm probably just repeating myself a lot in this entry but I'm fucking fed up with it and it is my journal to vent out all of this fucking agression.
I mean shit it even goes out to the people who associate with these people I see kids only associating with other edge kids and not even taking the time to chill with the kids who aren't edge. I see relationships where people just go clean just to please the other significant other now here it comes but wait didn't your own girlfriend do that and yes she did but she quit because she didn't want to fuck up our relationship because she knows what happens when she's drunk and she didn't want to lose me for stupid shit. That's fine but shit if your nature is to get drunk, stoned, or smoke cigs go ahead do it if that edge kid loves you they'll handle it but will you be able to handle it cause with me if you're drunk around me I'm not going to kiss you and I sure as hell won't do anything sexual with you and I'm sure there are other kids who feel the same way.
You know I'm sorry for making all of you have to read it but if no one else will talk then I will. Shit I'm even coming to the point where I don't want to be calling myself Straightedge anymore cause who knows what people will be thinking and if someone accuses me of the same shit somewhere else. I'm going to call myself Fuckedge or something I mean shit there's Hateedge where they fuck people up so maybe Fuckedge can be where I basically just say fuck it to all of the so-called "edge" kids and basically call them out like a mutha fucka and instead of X-ing up I'll fucking F-ing up. Whatever I'm fucking done fuck all of you haters!
7can // holla at a playa

Monday, June 6th, 2005

Subject:This Is Going To Sound Crazy But...
Time:1:02 am.
Mood: crazy.
I want to start a pop punk/emo band. I want to pull a Fall Out Boy start with the hardcore shit and then completely go to make some catchy poppy tunes with sappy lyrics but still keep the core alive. This isn't a joke people just look at what I'm listening to but this has been driving me crazy lately. I really want to do something for some odd reason I don't care if I sing like shit...shit I don't even have to sing just let me play some Standard or Drop D tuning poppy tunes with my bassizzle. If anyone wants to join me in this absolutely wild, crazy, and possibly stupid idea please comment and let me know.
6can // holla at a playa

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